shane the barbarian

i've been really confused emotionally, mentally and decisively as of late. i've spent the weekend home alone, but have felt the omnipresent loneliness for as long as i can remember. recently i've been feeling the choking pain of momory. the persistent memory of my failures, and how i've failed others. disappointment, like a dead moth stuck between the screen and the window. i've found myself longing for everything, for nothing and for things i can't even begin to imagine. my worries keep creeping on me, like time ticks second by second, of my future, or lack thereof. i've had trouble focusing, relaxing, talking, reading, writing, drawing, painting, photographing. everything that once lifted me is becoming a chore, tedious and unsatisfying. i'll be deserted by my sister sooner than i expected. thus, i need to find a job, roomate, apartment, and all the dreaded stuff i've had hiding in a box in the attic of my brain, sooner than expected. everyday i wake up thinking to myself "things should've turned out differently" and fall asleep thinking "tomorrow everything will be back to normal". i find myself getting random migraines that don't go away on a regular basis, like the tactonic plates of my skull are shifting and grinding incessantly. an eartquake just a little north-east of my right eye-ball. on most nights i wake up soaked in a puddle of my own sweat from the intensity and lucidity of my dreams. for the most of my life i had night terrors where i'd wake up choking on the blood flowing through my nasal cavities. i barely recognize myself when i look in a mirror.

ive had pounding headaches for the past week. thats all i care to share

this weekend was a much needed pick-me-up vacation.

im fucking exhausted. i never want to be home alone again. i haven`t slept well in 3 days. i am borderline delirious.

i hate having to hound down my "friends". i hate when people make plans for their EXTRAVAGANT tomorrow night right in front of me, but seem to forget to send out my verbal invitattion. i hate not being able to count the amount of times i've been ditched on one hand. i hate that i'm such a pushover, and will just SWOOOOOOOOON back to some people no questions asked. i hate how i never speak out when i'm angry. i hate that i know almost everyone in this city, and what almost every single one of them are like. i hate stepping outdoors just to hear about all the drama that's been happening behind my back. i hate when people turn their back on me. i hate how no one really cares about anything i say, or possibly this. i hate the way i can never fall for anyone in my proximity. i hate the way things have changed for me in the past year. i hate most of the memories this city holds for me. i hate being a ghost in my own house. i hate feeling like im alone.

i've got a crush...



i feel inspired...



i've never felt so good.

tobacco tongues twist
together
simultaneous surreal
the mouth presses against
breath binds, like
tooth on tooth tic-tac-toe

chemical equations collapse, like
constantine cold-fusion combustion
filckering on the friction frequency




epilogue


paper jaw crumpled
tossed towards tin trashcan
in a tremulent
transaction fashion

mangled,
and knotted, like
haywire
haystack
hair-do (OR,
possibly hair dont).

foppish fellow, in
technicolor trainwreck, with
cardboard lips soaked
and soggy with scarlet

i long for love...

im at school right now. and basicly all i can access is my LJ, so i think to myself. ahh, what the hell... i may as well update. i notice i`ve neglected my journal, maybe for the mere fact that i am always updating my IAM. i am kinda bored in chemistry class, next is art, then back off to my place. i want to play monopoly again tonight, and i hope others do too. AHH AHH!!!

my moms got til the end of the week. what a joy

i like baking pies and miniputting and go karting and swimming and hot tubbing and pot smoking and barbequeing on tuesdays.

i got really drunk at the rez. party last night. we missed the last bus so kelsey said shed give us a ride. but then she fucked off so we ended up going to amandas place instead... i was trying to open the window cause it was so damned hot, and then as hard as i tried it wouldnt open. so i kept working the window and next thing i knew... the window was open, but my hands were cut up from passing through the glass. my wrists and hands and wrists are all sliced and diced like as if i put my hand in a bag filled with chef tony's miracle blade(as seen on tv). i wrapped them with my bandanas and then decided to take a couple more shots. amandas crackhead stepmom came in with kraft singles cheese slices asking us if we were hungry. to be polite we said thank you and took the cheese. cheese and butcracks, and cheese in buttcracks make for funny times. im glad i got to hang out with jerica, cheryl and kelly along with all my favorite people yesterday.

so im going to visit my mom this weekend. it may be the last time i see her breathing. her health is quickly vanishing. the doctor gave her 3-4 weeks after her treatment last week and said they refuse to give her anymore chemo. im back off to sudbury on sunday. thats my life.

i am le tired. i like how i finally ate last night. PUSSGETTI is soooo good. i felt like a jerk last night. will payed for me to go to the show. and i was too weak and tired to enjoy myself. le sigh. i hate chainsaws and dishes.

this could very well be one of the best nights ive ever had. i'll save the gory details for later but yeah. kissy kissy

woo. livejournal. i used to have one but i gave it up to my friend cheryl after one day because i was already completely annoyed by the format of this journal community. i am going to give it a second try but yeah, its just another journal for me to have to spill my life on.